G_d

 

I wanted to write something about God tonight. probably because I almost always want to write something about God, or talk about it, or think about it. I don't mean to be offensive either. I'm just confused.

I think the problem is that I can't know, not really. It's impossible. Who is God? What is God? Why do I still capitalize God in some sort of respect for the idea?

I both find it amusing and hate it when people tell me or assert that they are right, that they are sure, that they have faith. I don't hate those people. In fact, I admire their ability to feel faith in things.

It's still amusing though, not in a condescending way. It's amusing because i've been around it hundreds of times in my head, figuring things out, trying to find an answer, trying to believe in one theory over another and some people are so sure.

How? That's what I wonder, almost as much as the questions about higher powers and after lives. How can someone be so sure? No matter how the devout worshipper explains it to me, it doesn't convince me. It lacks proof. Like the theories of what awaits us after we die: how does anyone know? how do we know what is real? how do we confirm anything?

Sometimes I uncomfortably fall back on the scene in "Donnie Darko":

DR. THURMAN
Do you feel alone right now?

He looks at her for a moment.

DONNIE
I'd like to believe that I'm not... but
I've just never seen any proof. So I just
choose not to bother with it. It's, like,
I could spend my whole life thinking
about it... debating it in my head.
Weighing the pros and cons. And in the
end, I still wouldn't have any proof. So
...I don't even debate it any more.
Because it's absurd.

I don't want to be alone.

So, does that make me, like, an atheist?

DR. THURMAN
No. That makes you keep searching.

 

Perhaps it is not a wise thing to admit affinity for a crazy person. Oh well.

(image via Lavoview)